Yesterday you texted me,
“Where do we go from here ?”
Yesterday you texted me after two weeks of silence and spaming my emails. You texted me after two weeks of constantly playing the words you told me.
I wanted to text you back and tell you ,
“I don’t even know ”
Then I thought about it. I stumbled upon a memory we made ,
That day when you picked me up from my Mandarin class. I was having a migraine and you had just come from practice. I pulled out my phone and started typing, you , focused on driving , asked me,
“When are you going to write about me ?”
I told you nothing . Thats what I do when I have already written about someone. I say nothing .
Ours isn’t an ordinary story , but we or atleast I ,am not an ordinary person.
It started with a rugby game. Your team mate my friend had given me tickets so I could bring his crush, for him to ask her out properly . In his words ,
“A man has more power in his territory”.
I was bringing Shaa so that they could meet , then I saw you . I had seen you before on TV. I never forget people I see laughing during news interviews. I had fallen in love with that laughter but not with the man. Atleast not yet .
After the game , you and your teammates would invite us for an after party and I’d tell Shaa that we can’t go because I still have a curfew. You looked at me and asked why i am so arrogant .
I pretended not to have heard you but deep down I had concluded what my sister always says was right,
`hot guys who go to the gym wako Na kasoro flani tu(have some sort of problem)’
I mean, me not recognising your presence shouldn’t have affected you . But it did and Steve Harvey was right ,
“Men like the chase”
because two weeks later you showed up at my mother house in Ngelani with your banana smile.
You asked me out. Guys like you don’t notice girls like me . But maybe girls like me judge guys like you. Maybe girls like me think that guys like you have always had it together . Well I was wrong.
I knew how broken you were when once at your mum’s place you had me try Hibiscus juice while we talked about having babies and our childhood. You told me about how people never noticed you , how girls never liked you . I told you about that time I was nine and the twelve year old boys at my estate called me ‘black and ugly’. We laughed about those things. The truth is we had carried this things . We had pasted them on our skin and had become them. But you unlike me had not yet healed.
You had told me about that girl you dated when you were in highschool. You had just discovered rugby , had signed up for the local gym and was now working on yourself. She was everything you ever wished for ,
‘well thats before nikuone of course (before I met you) ‘ thats what you said. Then one day you found out that she was eyeing your bestfriend . I never knew boys have bestfriends.
It destroyed you . You become possessive and over protective of what is yours. Often you made me feel as if leaving you will crash you to ashes. You picked fights with all the guys i was Friends with . Then that day we argued and I could see you clench your jaws in anguish. It was your fault and I washed you beat up yourself more than i even imagined someone you do . You apologised too much , were to gentle and tried to be careful not to hurt me.
See you are a broken man. Being a rugby superstar with all this females throwing themselves at you still seems like a mirage. You never visioned yourself worthy of love. I loved you because you are kind and patient and smart. Because you treated me like a woman worthy of love , like am enough. But baby how do you love me when you are not done loving yourself.
Men like you . Men women drop jaws for are weird men. You hide behind gyms and sport , behind one night stands and popularity. Men like you are afraid to admit that you are broken .
I loved you , part of me still does but baby you can’t love someone when you haven’t learnt to love yourself.
You and I have dreams far apart and you deserve a woman who will love you without holding back . When I got together with you , I tied my heart with sisal threads. I tied my heart to my ribs so I don’t fall in love with you . But I did not because you are muscline or because you have the killer nails I like (you are actually the only guy I have dated who has bad nails) . I loved you because while you were showing me how broken you are , you were fixing me.