Mathew said something about being tired of always turning off the tap after me .
I didn’t know what to tell him ,
I wanted to tell him the truth,
That I left it open with the hope that I’d pour out like the water.
I misplaced myself somewhere and I can’t seem to find me .
I searched my wardrobe and boxes ,
In between music records and letters.
I tried to look through the mirror ,
But I wasn’t there so I ended up breaking it instead ,
Trying so hard to pretend,
I lied that the problem is my head .
Just the usual migraines
Nothing new .
But the bed cover had blood stains and my Palm turned blue ,
To say the truth ,
I want Mathew to know ,
I want to show
To let it all go .
But how do I let open a wound that would just cause me so much pain?
How do I tell him not to close the curtains and windows?
Cause maybe I’d come knocking at night and find myself.
How do I tell him to always leave some coffee on the table?
Just in case I show up thirsty of caffeine.
How do I tell him why I bought the coffin at the front porch ?
Just in case the wind blows my dead body to our front door,
I want to attend my funeral.
Place tulips on my tomb stone
And mourn my self ,
I want to wear black for a year ,
And just sit by the window and stare .
He wouldn’t understand if I told him.
If I told him I always make extra muffins
So that when I show up,
I’ll eat some like I used to.
He won’t understand if I explain that I leave my note book open,
Just incase I show up and no one is home,
I’ll need to write me a letter.
He won’t get the fact that u stare at this blank pages with so much expectation ,
Hoping that from them I will emerge,
And I will re – unite with self.
It’s a hopeless situation,
When you are not you and your flesh feels new,
When your soul is Silent,
Like still waters.
Though it has been said that still waters ran deep .
So I’ll just sit here
I’ll just wait here
I’ll just look here,
Then maybe I will walk out of this book,
Or pour out like ink from this pen,
And if I show up dead,
I’ll be there for my wake
And every funeral anniversary after it
Because after all ,
Am the only one who noticed when I went missing .