Before you comment , text or email me some hateful statements, I would like to make it clear that all my exes are great guys, well apart from this one.They are so great to the point I would recommend them for my homegirls.
And before guys like Scott ( one of my classmates and friend) decide to report me to Cyrus Nyakundi, I would like to state that my position as a feminist is not to disrespect men in anyway what so ever.
This post is about my own personal experience, incase the person I am writing about feels in anyway offended after reading this, I would like to advice him to start his own website and blog about this from his own point of view. We are all entitled to whatever is ours.
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Apart from the anxiety, 2017 slapped me real hard with an experience I will probably use as a tool to protect my daughters and train my sons.
You see at 19, I was naive and saw nothing but the good in people because I would like to believe i am a good person. It is good to believe that people are as you are, or so I thought.
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A whatsapp message pops up on my screen at around 8 in the evening. I enjoy talking to strangers, so I text this good looking, great shoulders guy back, but an hour later. He claims to have seen me at an even, found my number from my favourite bands group and thinks my poetry is medicine to the soul. I assume that he has actual read my poetry. I like people who read my stuff, wether they like it or not. He is easy to talk to, laughs at my jokes and thinks am beautiful, and even more because I do not believe that I am.
Weeks later we have not yet gone a day without talking. Our conversation range from poetry to childhood experiences to God to why we are single. I think he is different, but don’t we think all guys are different ? So now my nigga asks if we can date. Guys remember this is months after I have developed anxiety, months after I decided to concentrate on my spirituality and focus on getting my mental health back. I ask him for time. I really like him but I need to consult my ladies first.
My main problem is that he drinks, I am not a fan of men who drink. My girls encourage me with the “maybe you are the one supposed to change him”. We all know me, am a big fun of making a difference so a few weeks later we go on our first date. Guys… OMG! … we pray on our first date, he is so chilled with the fact that we can’t have sex and he just gets me and how much I am a thinker. I like this.
First foward to our relationship. Its great so far. He says he wants to stop drinking and am happy about this. We are all good, no issues not until this girl Irene. So Irene is the sidechick, She is one of the girls he has sex with because he can’t have it with me. She calls him one time when we are together and my assertive nature doesn’t allow me because what they are talking about isn’t stuff you tell a friend. After they hang up, I hand him my phone. I explain that if the relationship is going to work we need to call all his sides and inform them that the main is here. He does actually, calls them all, Beatrice, Irene… (think of any girls name and insert here) no really insert other girl’s names here.
Later I get a text message from Beatrice telling me that this guy called to tell her that we are just besties and we were playing truth or dare. He goes ahead to say that am a phycho. I don’t say anything, mainly because I am not upto a confrontation but our arguments and unhappiness start there. He is no longer fun and now i am the phycho girlfriend who annoys him.
I move in a walking distance from his place. Now we hang out more. Now I get to find out that this guy I thought I should really try with is still a boy who has just discovered a drink better than milk and what to do with an erected penis. I realise that he took advantage of my sapiosexual self and lied to me that he finished his degree and is now working at mediamax. Guys, homeboy is 22 and doing his diploma at the same university as me. He says he wants to be MCA but is always drunk 24/7. He is always drunk from money his dad has loaned him or he has borrowed from the many females he is cheating on, and I shamefuly admit I was one of them.
Then the universe knocked me down, showed me I deserve better. Like at that moment I was slapped so hard. So this one evening after my classes he invites me to his place. I go but only after he has promised to walk me home because anxiety does not let me walk alone in the dark. We hang out, some of his friend, him and I. He gets drunk, so drunk he is now insulting everyone. I ask him to walk me home, its 11 p.m and am new to this neighbourhood. worst case scenario is I have anxiety and so walking alone will just have me end up inside a drain somewhere battling a panic attack.
We argue about him taking me home, he refuses. I resolve to sleeping over. Its his parents house so that just means that in the morning he will have to sneak me out. So before his dad arrives, we have an argument in his room about how, according to him, I don’t respect him as a man. This boy pulls my hair… GANG ! this 22 year old, lying, cheating skunk with bad english, who owns only one navy blue blazer that he wears when he goes to pick up chics, a member the school choir which he insisnt should be called an Orchestra pulls my beautiful, braided it myself hair. If that isnt bad, he cries his eyes out in the morning telling me that he is sorry. first of all guys! sorry is never enough. But then your girl here believes him.
We go for two weeks acting like we are single. I consult his bestfriend, who tells me that if I really like him i should be patient with him. I dont tell anyone about the hair pulling. I mean how do you tell people that this guy you have been flaunting all over, hurt you?
He then comes over to my place one night drunk, this time we argue. I go out of the room and when I come back he tries to hit me I throw him out. The next morning I am getting ready for school when I realise that my money is missing. So not only is this guy violent, him and his drunk ass are thieves. When I confront him he says he cant date someone who calls him a thief only for him to show up at my place with his drinking buddy and this time dare to throw a punch at me. Were it not for his friend, i knew where the knives were guys! i knew EXACTLY where MY knives were!
These days I see him round. He is never sober. Often he is buying liquor next to the movie shop I used to go to. But he taught me that I deserve more. He taught me that no one has any right to lay a finger on me. He taught me that some men can’t sit their dicks down and that some men are cheap, that all they do is feed you cheap talk, cheap promises. That they are cowards who only know how to lower there sperm count, spend money they don’t have and hit women.
I got to understand the trauma people go through in violent relationships. I understood why its so hard to speak up. But mostly I had a clear understanding of selflove, that i should never allow myself near men like him. I forgive him, I hold nothing against him but am afraid for his next prey, like the highschool schoolmate of mine who is my former bestfriend’s friend, like Irene, like all the other girls. I am afraid for his liver, his sexual health and his well being.
I don’t know what this has taught you, but I hope you dont end up in an abusive relationship and if you are in one, please leave, please! before one of you finds out EXACTLY where the knives are.
Kenyan girl Wangeci